By:  Cheryl Tully Stoll

From 1995 Archives

    I am a very fortunate person.  I have many wonderful people in my life.   The youngest one is a little girl that I share a very special bond with; my three year-old niece.  Even at this tender age, she’s her own person.  As a matter of fact, I think she’s been her own person since the night she was born.  She’s smart, funny, sensitive and has more stamina than the Energizer Bunny.          

            On a recent afternoon while she was visiting she asked me about someone who had died.  After gently but truthfully answering her questions as to how and why this person had died, I began thinking about other questions she’ll have as she grows.   What follows are some of the thoughts I’ve had about what I want her to know.

• If you believe in yourself other people will believe in you too.
• Realize that being healthy, smart, attractive and from a good family that loves you, entitles you to nothing; but obligates you to those less fortunate.
• You deserve to be treated the same way that you treat others.
• Men have feelings too, and men of quality aren’t threatened by women’s equality.
• Don’t try to rationalize with irrational people–they’ll only make you crazy too.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff–the big stuff alone is enough dehydrate you.
• Celebrate the differences between people–those differences are what make each of us special and unique.
• Nobody ever sat on their death bed saying, “I wish I spent more time at the office.”
• Always remember that you have the right to say “no”.
• Yes, it’s your body; but you have a responsibility to keep it drug free and healthy.
• You can’t be true to anyone else unless you’re true to yourself.
•  Every child is born innocent with the God-given right to opportunity and happiness; do what you can in your lifetime to help the world’s children.
• Fight for what’s right, but pick those fights carefully.
• Have the courage to be who you are and respect other people’s rights to do the same.
• A collection of real friends is the greatest wealth you can acquire.
• Realize that if you can be bought, you aren’t worth what the other person paid.
• Never give up; quitters automatically lose.
• Appreciate your parents for who they are; forget who you wish them to be.
• Turn the other cheek when you can, and walk away when you can’t
• If it’s not worth working for, why would you want it?
• We taught your “please” and “thank you” for a reason.
• Try to see the glass as half full and if it turns out to be half empty, top it off.
• The only one who can limit your ambition is you.
• Take the time to learn about and appreciate the wonderful women in history and in your life who have come before you, then emulate them where you can for those who follow.
• Don’t ever lose sight of the fact that everything happens for a reason–although at the time it       may not seem that way.
• Never do anything that you can’t tell your best friend about or say out loud while looking in a mirror.
• Everyone gets what’s coming to them; it’s not your job to facilitate it.
• Just because everyone else is doing something, doesn’t mean that it is the right thing to do.
• You should be the only person who can effect your self-esteem.
• Be grateful for what you have and share what you can.
• Prudent risk-taking will bring you much; taking stupid risks will cost you everything.
• Laugh at what you can and cry at what you have to, it will get you over the rough spots.
• And most importantly; remember that I love you more every day I know you.

Copyright Ó 1995, 2008 by Cheryl Tully Stoll

By:  Cheryl Tully Stoll

From:  1995 Archives

This Fourth of July I learned a new meaning of what independence truly means, and how fleeting it could be for each of us.

            My mother and I had gone to see the early showing of “The Bridges of Madison County”; a film that left most of the audience in tears.  It was a sensitive, moving and compassionate tale that touched most of us who have seen it.

            What moved me most that afternoon however, wasn’t what happened on the movie screen.  The emotions most people took away that afternoon are different than the ones I left with.  What I carry with me, happened in the ladies room, not in the movie theater.

            When I entered the rest room there were two women patiently helping a disabled man wash his hands at one of the sinks.  He was, I found out later, the brother of one of the women, and my guess is, the son of the other.  I gave their presence in the ladies room no special thought, because it was only natural that the women had brought him there since–the women’s presence in the men’s facilities would have been rather disruptive.  There were other women present at the time, but they seemed to be in a hurry to be somewhere.

            When the aforementioned trio was walking out, I was standing at a sink washing my hands. The young gentleman caught my eye and I replied with my trademark casual, “Hi, how’ya doing?”  Although his speech was impaired, he responded with a “hi” of his own, and the three of them departed.

            A moment later as I was leaving, the man’s sister came back into the ladies room, and stopped me.  With tears in her eyes, she said she wanted to thank me for saying “hi” to her brother.  It meant a lot to him, and to her.  She explained that six or seven years ago he was injured when, while running a fever, he slipped and fell in the shower.  His brain was deprived of oxygen for a period of time and he was left with a serious disability; although he still knows what’s going on around him.

            The woman told me how good she felt when people were nice to him.  Those of you who know me, know that I am rarely if ever at a loss for words–and as my best friend kindly informed me while proofing this article–that I’m nice to no one!  In this situation however, words failed me.  How do you respond to someone who has just expressed sincere and touching gratitude to you for doing nothing? 

            Treating someone with courtesy and dignity isn’t anything extraordinary that I or anyone should have to be thanked for.  It should be the rule–not the exception.  However, it appears that in this family’s life, and probably in those of many other people with disabilities, this behavior is extraordinary.

            In retrospect, those other women in the rest room weren’t in as much a hurry to get back to a movie, as they were to get out of the room.  Was it because there was a man in there?  Or was it more likely, because there was a mentally disabled person of either gender in there? 

            Why is it that we as a society are so uncomfortable around anyone who is different  from “us”?  Is it because as children many of us were taught not to “stare” at people who were different, because it was rude?”  Personally, I don’t think there is anything rude about a child’s curiosity.  It’s not disrespectful; it’s open and honest.  Unlike many adults, when a child asks a question, they don’t infer a judgment with it.  And children don’t pretend they don’t see people who are standing right in front of them…That is rude! 

            We can learn a lot from the innocence of children.  Kids are open and honest enough to ask questions instead of making assumptions.  “Mamma, why is that lady using sticks to walk?”  Or, “Daddy, why is that man sitting in a go-cart?” By telling them they shouldn’t be asking such things, or scolding them for doing so, we send a message to the next generation, that for some reason it’s not all right to be different.  Their parents’ discomfort inadvertently conveys that one is supposed to feel uncomfortable around people with disabilities.

              While the question may momentarily surprise the parent, it’s probably not something that the person with the disability hasn’t heard before.  I’m sure that lady knows she’s on crutches and that it is no news to the man that he’s in a wheel chair.  However, when we as adults show discomfort at being around people who are disabled we are displaying the true disabilities of this society–ignorance and intolerance.

            People are different.  Some people have mental disabilities, some have physical disabilities and others have social disabilities.  How many of us would like to be in a room full of people and have most of them pretend that we weren’t there.  What’s ironic that many people who have been disabled for all of their lives, probably think that most of the rest of the world is socially retarded.  After all, that’s the way most people behave around them and it would be a natural conclusion for them to make.

            Maybe some folks feel uncomfortable around people with  disabilities because they’re afraid “it” could happen to them; the family I met is certainly testimony to that. 

            Is there a person out there who hasn’t slipped in the shower?  Were you just lucky or blessed enough to catch yourself?  What about next time? 

            So when you see a person with a disability, realize that indeed it could be you.  Treat them as if they were just like you; were it not for a single moment in time they would be, and at some moment in your future, tragically it could be.

Copyright Ó 1995, 2008  by Cheryl Tully Stoll